“It shouldn’t be this way” epitomizes my perfectionist frustration.

College was the first time in my life I could choose my own path. I took the opportunity seriously: I had a clear vision of how I wanted the experience to go, and I carefully selected my school and course of study. Things got off to an auspicious start. But soon, reality hit: I didn’t enjoy all the classes. The workload was exhausting. I struggled to find the motivation to keep up, which was distressing because I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. How was it so hard to succeed at something every fiber of my being wished for? It shouldn’t be this way.

During the same period, I was also struggling to stay in shape. Again this was absurd, as I lived a two-minute walk from the on-campus gym, not to mention the opportunities I had for sports and other activities. Why the disconnect between my wonderful vision of physical fitness and the fact that I was a lazy ass?

As I fell behind my aspirations, I became bothered by a burning “Why?”…to which my answer was: Something must be wrong with my ambition, my school, or my workout program. What else could explain how things that are self-evidently right—such as studying what I want to learn or getting into shape—are not intrinsically motivating? How are the obviously inferior, painful, and harmful alternatives more compelling? I must be missing something.

Down this spiral I traveled for years, increasingly infuriated and dejected as my best attempts to attain my visions were foiled by the inexplicable, self-destructive choices I found myself making every day.

It is possible to self-righteously bang your head against the same wall forever. Thankfully, this time it got painful enough for me to seek help and revisit “Why?”. My new answer: I had never connected my perfectionism to my experiences as a kid, where my natural abilities in academics and athletics led to success without significant effort. I formed unrealistically high expectations about achievement that served me poorly when I entered worlds of greater challenge. I had seen my college struggles as indicators of something wrong with my environment or my motivation, when more accurately they revealed how my early experiences limited my ability to overcome difficulties.

Like me, your perfectionism may have developed due to a lack of challenge. Or perhaps your perfectionism is rooted in the unreasonable expectations others have of you. Or maybe you bought into an inaccurate media portrayal of success. Any number of influences inside and outside ourselves can lead us into perfectionist civil war. My journey toward peace has been marked by better understanding the origins of my perfectionism, greater compassion for myself, acceptance of new perspectives, evolved (i.e., moderated) expectations, and ultimately new behaviors resulting in the progress that perfectionism has been falsely promising all along.

Why are you stuck? Be open to new answers. Seek help from new sources. What might “It shouldn’t be this way” become?